duminică, 19 iulie 2015

P.S. to Volunteer in Ruse (10)



I forget only by nature or only if it is not important. I don't erase my past, even if the present is more important and more real. It's not about being nostalgic, it's just about being happy with my future. One day I will enjoy this more than now.

I really think I was the luckiest one in Ruse. Why? Since the beginning until the end I felt happy and nothing put any shadow on my face, I was present in all my actions and thoughts and I felt I received all it accomplishes me. I've been conscious about all the changes happened to me, my interior was so clear, all my feelings, my thoughts, my desires. I took all that was good from this experience and lived as much intense as I could, but didn't close my eyes for the real things happening around. I embraced one by one hours of learning and discovering, free spirit, good energy, sleepless hours, keeping my soul and my mind clean, foolish games, love, appreciation, bad and good dreams, (un)fulfilled changes, traveling, empathy, friendship, signs, peaceful anger and, most of all, being surrounded by PEOPLE. But I could also see what went wrong: we there, spending some European money and doing almost nothing to deserve them, all the organizing mistakes and the nebulosity in which we were sometimes because the next step wasn't clear, all the money that weren't properly used for the project, but beautiful gilded for the believers.

I had a (in fact, there's no word for it, but I will call it like this) “mentor” in which I failed to become alike, but a lot of me changed. I'm talking about a beautiful and strong man who made us laugh like crazy and was the link between what we were and what we wanted to be. I rediscovered and accepted myself only by speaking and listening. I learned to free myself, have a wider vision, accept the others and myself without judging. I was happy in Ruse because of the two fireflies I saw and understood that this isn't happening to everyone. I heard the seagulls at the window every morning, I felt special, I danced and laughed sincerely, I opened my heart and mind to words, music, translations, new languages, feelings, stories, caress, debates, jokes, hugs, walks, being childish, do good. I was accomplished by getting lost in what mattered to me.

I climbed my own Sugar Mountain in Ruse at the age of almost 29 and felt as mature as I could be at that moment, but leaving the child inside to play on the ground. I had Violeta Parra musician from whom I took my part of courage and strength. I had the streets of Ruse on which I could listen the guitar man, walk in peace, see the normality, damn the communist traces, many children voices to listen and a lot of golden sunset light to watch. I had the storms I sat under or enjoyed from the balcony and amazing dark clouds to turn my head on. I could see the problems on people's faces, but didn't feel them like burdens, the colored fountains and the awful looking toilet from the German high school (you know, I was wondering a lot of times if Merkel, during her visit to this place, used that toilet and why the sponsored money didn't reach that indispensable hole). I had Danube river there and I didn't watch it as a link to Romania as much as I saw it as a link to Europe, coming from far away countries with stories in its waters. I had a friend called Silvia I thought I won't like at all at the beginning. I had Lucian for sharing similar childhood and values. I had the lively Spanish guys always coming with funny initiatives, always partying and dancing. I had the girls room with Despina opening the door and the boys room with Vincent opening the door. I had my own room, but moved at some point. I had the moments of being charmed by the house in front of our building, the evenings with Kamenitza and long discussions. I had Vincent and the amazing moments we shared for our soul and mind purity.

I could see the cultural differences coming from education, habits, geographical position and history influences but also the basics that make us similar. I could see myself adapting immediately to Ruse and spending my money cleverly. I could see some of the others not handling with 360 leva because they were used with more money to spend in their countries. I didn't wash the fruits I took from trees because I did this before in my childhood and didn't die so far. And also because Ruse and surroundings seem enough clean to me. I could understand that Romanians, comparing to the others, are sad and very strict sometimes. I could see the differences between ages, but didn't feel apart of the group. I enjoyed learning Bulgarian and I still have an affinity for it.

Patriotism... I found here that all of us seem to be patriots, but is this a reality? We are all proud and we reveal all the good things about our countries, but what have we done for this? All the past generations fought for them, not us. And what about bad things that represents our people? I could see females and males behaving like still not equal in rights. I didn't like the visit to the vice mayor as it was very stiff, neither the presence of a very influential man very close to the project. I appreciated Krystian a lot for his ambitiousness and for the time he spent with us like a friend.

Oh my! If I would put together all the kind messages I received from the people I met in Ruse since coming back I would do a long letter to remember. And if I would intersect them, I would have some important common points to reveal: each one thinks of a longer EVS in the future, each one misses June, people and Ruse and passed a sad patch when returning to their daily life, each one got changed by this time loop.

Back home, I understand all differently. The roof of my home is new (really is and I thank my parents they are so wonderful), but the foundation is still the same. I changed, but my past, my friends, my “sun”, my garden, my family didn't change. They are better and stronger with me doing alike. There is nothing in the world like a hug, I am color, I believe in LOVE, things don't matter, I am connecting with nature, good energy comes from pure souls, to be kind and good is to be rich. These are the values I returned with or I have strengthened. So... thank you!

And, like I said on a message I left the last day for "Friends in Ruse": “Play like this all the time, beautiful people! Don't loose the children inside and love as much as you can! We were a total in Ruse, now we have to do the same in our lives. So dance, play, love again and then dance again! A warm hug!”

(RO) Uit doar daca natura ma face sa uit sau daca nu e important. Nu-mi sterg trecutul, chiar daca prezentul este mai important si pare mult mai real. Nu e vorba despre a fi nostalgica cat despre a fi fericita cu viitorul meu. Intr-o zi, ma voi bucura de asta mai mult decat acum.

Chiar cred ca am fost cea mai norocoasa in Ruse. De ce? Pentru ca, de la inceput pana la final, m-am simtit fericita si nimic nu mi-a umbrit privirea, pentru ca am fost prezenta in toate actiunile mele si am simtit ca am primit tot ceea ce ma implinea. Am fost constienta de toate schimbarile care mi s-au intamplat, interiorul meu a fost atat de clar, toate sentimentele, gandurile, dorintele. Am luat tot ce-a fost bun din aceasta experienta si am trait cat de intens am putut, dar nu am inchis ochii in fata lucrurilor reale din jurul meu. Am imbratisat rand pe rand ore de invatare si descoperire, un spirit liber, energie buna, ore fara somn, pastrarea sufletului si a mintii curate, jocuri prostesti, iubire, apreciere, vise urate sau frumoase, schimbari (ne)indeplinite, calatorie, empatie, prietenie, semne, furie pasnica si, mai mult decat orice, faptul ca am fost inconjurata de OAMENI. Dar am putut vedea, de asemenea, si ceea ce nu a mers bine: noi acolo, cheltuind niste bani europeni si nefacand aproape nimic pentru a-i merita, toate greselile organizatorice si nebulozitatea in care am plutit cateodata pentru ca pasul urmator nu era clar, toti banii alocati proiectului care nu au fost corect folositi, totul fiind frumos poleit pentru cei increzatori.

Am avut acolo un mentor (de fapt nu exista niciun cuvant pentru asta, dar l-am folosit  pe acesta) si am esuat in a fi ca el, dar m-am schimbat mult. Vorbesc despre un om frumos si puternic care ne-a facut pe toti sa radem ca nebunii si care a fost legatura dintre ceea ce eram si ceea ce ne doream sa fim. M-am redescoperit si m-am acceptat doar vorbind si ascultand. Am invatat sa ma eliberez, sa am o viziune mai deschisa, sa ii accept pe ceilalti si pe mine fara sa judec. Am fost fericita in Ruse pentru ca am vazut doi licurici si am inteles ca asta nu se intampla oricui. Am auzit pescarusii la fereastra in fiecare dimineata, m-am simtit speciala, am dansat si am ras sincer, mi-am deschis inima si mintea catre cuvinte, muzica, traduceri, limbi necunoscute, sentimente, povesti, mangaiere, dezbateri, glume, imbratisari, plimbari, a fi copilaroasa si a face bine. Am fost multumita pierzandu-ma in ceea ce a contat pentru mine.

Am urcat propriul "Munte de Zahar" in Ruse la varsta de (aproape) 29 de ani si m-am simtit atat de matura cat puteam fi in acel moment, dar am lasat copilul din mine sa se joace cu pamant. Am avut-o pe Violeta Parra de la care mi-am luat curajul si puterea. Am avut strazile din Ruse unde l-am putut asculta pe omul cu chitara, pe care m-am putut plimba linistita, unde am vazut normalitatea, pe care le-am renegat pentru urmele comuniste, unde am avut multe voci de copii sa ascult si destule apusuri aurii sa privesc. Am avut furtunile sub care am stat sau pe care le-am privit din balcon si nori intunecati uimitori spre care sa-mi intorc capul. Am putut vedea problemele pe fetele oamenilor, dar nu le-am simtit ca pe niste poveri, fantanile frumos colorate si toaleta aceea groaznica din liceul german (m-am intrebat de multe ori daca Merkel, in timpul vizitei in acest loc, a folosit acea toaleta si de ce fondurile alocate nu au ajuns si in aceasta gaura indispensabila). Am avut Dunarea si nu am simtit-o ca pe o legatura cu Romania intr-atat incat am simtit-o ca pe o legatura cu Europa, venind din tari indepartate cu povesti in apele sale. Am avut o prietena numita Silvia cu care nu am crezut ca am sa ma inteleg la inceput. L-am avut pe Lucian cu care am impartasit amintiri din copilarie si valori asemanatoare. I-am avut pe spaniolii plini de viata care veneau intotdeauna cu initiative amuzante, care dansau si cantau tot timpul. Am avut camera fetelor cu Despina deschizandu-mi usa si pe cea a baietilor cu Vincent facand acelasi lucru. Am avut propria-mi camera, din care m-am mutat la un moment dat. Am avut momentele in care am fost fermecata de casa din fata cladirii in care ne aflam, serile cu Kamenitza si discutii lungi. L-am avut pe Vincent si momentele frumoase pe care le-am impartasit pentru puritatea sufletului si a mintii.

Am putut vedea diferentele culturale venind din educatie, obiceiuri, influente ale pozitiei geografice sau istoriei, dar am putut vedea si ca lucrurile de baza ne fac asemanatori. Am vazut ca m-am adaptat repede in Ruse si ca mi-am cheltuit banii cumpatat. Am vazut cum unii voluntari nu s-au descurcat doar cu 360 leva pentru ca erau obisnuiti cu mai multi bani in tarile lor. Nu am spalat fructele pe care le-am luat din pomi pentru ca am mai facut asta in copilarie si nu am murit pana acum. In plus, Ruse si imprejurimile sunt destul de curate in opinia mea. Am putut intelege ca romanii, comparandu-i cu ceilalti, sunt destul de tristi si stricti uneori. Am putut vedea diferenta de varsta, dar nu m-am simtit in afara grupului. Mi-a placut sa invat bulgara si inca am o afinitate pentru ea.

Patriotismul... am realizat aici ca toti parem patrioti, dar este asta o realitate? Suntem cu totii mandri si scoatem la iveala lucrurile bune despre tarile noastre, dar ce am facut noi pentru asta? Generatiile anterioare s-au luptat pentru asta, nu noi. Si cum ramane cu lucrurile rele care reprezinta popoarele noastre? Am putut vedea femei si barbati comportandu-se ca si cand nu ar fi egali in drepturi. Nu mi-a placut vizita la vice primar deoarece a fost prea scrobita, nici prezenta unui domn foarte influent care a fost apropiat proiectului. L-am apreciat pe Krystian (unul dintre organizatori) pentru ambitia sa si pentru timpul pe care l-a petrecut cu noi ca un prieten.

Ohh, si daca as pune impreuna toate mesajele calde pe care le-am primit de cand m-am intors, de la oamenii pe care i-am cunoscut in Ruse, as compune o scrisoare lunga demna de a ramane in amintire. Si daca le-as intersecta, as avea cateva puncte comune importante de dezvaluit: fiecare se gandeste la un program EVS pe termen lung in viitor, tuturor le e dor de iunie, de oamenii intalniti, de Ruse, cu totii au trecut printr-o perioada trista cand s-au intors, toti s-au schimbat in timpul acestei bucle de timp.

Intorcandu-ma acasa, am inteles totul diferit. Acoperisul casei mele e nou (chiar e si le multumesc parintilor mei pentru cat de minunati sunt), dar fundatia e inca aceeasi. M-am schimbat, dar trecutul, prietenii, "soarele" meu, gradina mea, familia sunt la fel. Mai puternici si mai buni, cu mine alaturi facand la fel. Nu e nimic in lume ca o imbratisare, sunt culoare, cred in IUBIRE, lucrurile nu conteaza, sunt legata de natura, energia buna vine din partea sufletelor curate, sa fii bland si bun inseamna sa fii bogat. Acestea sunt valorile cu care m-am intors sau pe care mi le-am intarit. Asa ca... multumesc!

Si, cum am spus intr-un mesaj pe care l-am lasat "prietenilor din Ruse" in ultima zi: "Jucati-va asa tot timpul, oameni frumosi! Nu pierdeti copiii interiori si iubiti cat de mult puteti! Am fost un tot in Ruse, acum trebuie sa facem la fel in propriile noastre vieti. Asa ca dansati, jucati-va, iubiti din nou si apoi dansati din nou! O calda imbratisare!"

Volunteer in Ruse (9)


25th was the day of waiting... and waiting... and waiting. We were so revived when the rooms filled again with the volunteers stories, happiness and laughs. So many beautiful memories taken by them from Bucharest made me reconsider my second home city. Indeed, Bucharest is a 24 hours per day living city, full of energy, art, history and facts. The returning of Romanian boys from Varna also linked us so subtle we wouldn't expect. Being alone without sharing... this is not our way of living.

26th morning was long and lazy, but we decided to take a walk after all. Train and Transport Museum ticket was too expensive for our empty pockets, so staring again at the houses and reading Sherlock Holmes at BH Library was the best I could choose. Spanish guys knocked in the afternoon for Sangria money collection. So... why not spending my last 2 leva for the sake of the ritual? In the evening we went into the park, carrying a bucket of the already prepared magical liquid, juice and wine bottles and one bag of fruits for more to come. This time Sangria tasted sad, rain started at some point, we weren't that funny anymore so we run all wet and cold inside. I chose my bed instead continuing the night with the others, though I really enjoyed that run with the raindrops angrily coming to us.






27th Me and Silvia walked into the ordinary. And between the common of grey blocks and big boulevards, we found house number 1 behind purple flowers. Alone, little, but surviving. "Lost in art" message, a beautiful painter statue, hearts on a dusty big window, a market and many others encountered our way. In the evening, we watched a comedy, I mean the other Romanians did it because I fell asleep like in my good times, started gently snoring at some point, waking up, seeing a scene and laughing like I was watching the entire movie and FIN. I discovered Magdalena Petrovich cello player that night as I couldn't sleep anymore and made a wish for my birthday. I will blow my wish for a happy end.





28th. I had a bad dream again - someone was holding my hands tied. I could see the face shapes looking very familiar, but couldn't find his mouth, ears and eyes while trying to escape.

That day we went to Orlova Chuka cave hidden in a green harmonious valley. We passed sunflower fields of gold. Clouds were like cotton from America. The wind was in my hair. I think a woman can not feel more beautiful than when she meet the wind with her tress. It's about the touch, the caress, the soft play with her skin, the thoughts she frees with all her spirit. How good it is to spend all your money for happy moments like this! I was thinking of Erik who was in a real mud at Electric Castle festival at that moment. How lucky he is sometimes! Smiling. Also sent some thoughts somewhere over lands and rivers for my sisters and other strollers.
Ohh... Countryside with cows and their specific smell, dark clouds, yellow with brown wheat stripped fields, a plane in the air, our way between green, sad Nippon music, all of them fulfilled that moment. We climbed again a cherry tree, till up this time, but the cherries weren't good anymore. Was I doing this before? The ticket man let me enter paying the price of a student, the cave was amazing, but the tour was very short and we couldn't understand a thing from the guide speech. But I understood all sinuous rocks told me, the stories of centuries before. I put my hand on the cold waved roof and made a bridge to the ground. I became a circuit. On the way back, a dark sky covered the yellow of fields and a strong rain begun. Big, big raindrops were hitting the car and all of a sudden rain stopped and the sky opened. Unexpected, we had a last visit to Basarbovski. The place was full of memories. I said good bye and couldn't do more.




 

29th Dancing on Violeta Parra music. No one around, though around. Nothing else existing, just the dance, the music, the souls, present time and sad happiness. Rumour Said Fire – The balcony and The Temper Trap – Sweet Disposition followed from my fingers to the others, maybe not by accident.

We've been waiting for this evening to come. In the same time, we wanted to suspend this moment of waiting... and waiting... and waiting. Morning was insignificant. All looking for evening, for something, for someone, all asking when this boy will come back and when the beginning of the end will start. And I could predict the moment this boy will walk the stairs and hug us everyone with his new sunglasses and heavy suitcases.

All the photos I took in that evening were unclear. Of course. All of me was laughing and dancing on 29th 7 to 9 p.m.. Youth pass, gossips, writing on t-shirts, hugging, music, laughing, detaching in my own world, last frugal dinner in the Youth Centre, heart shaped balloons, descriptions, feelings, intensity, cake, a picture of us on the cake, stripped t-shirt, full of beautiful thoughts t-shirts, full of emotions souls, red cheeks, “take a sit here!”, “you have to write me something!”,...

“Turn off the light!”











Spanish guys left and I shouted good bye from the balcony. I don't know if they heard me, but no one woke me up. At 2 o'clock I was talking with the boys in the balcony and the leaving moment of Greek and Polish people came just like that. Forever words, hugging, kisses and taxi left. 

Good-bye, beautiful!  


We were only Romanians left in the building and Krystian who was there for all of us. We stand awake until 4 in the morning, almost catching the sunrise. Talking, debating, discussing, concluding, getting depressed, hoping, wishing for the future, trying to take decisions. We spent that time together and if a long way wouldn't wait for us, we would've stayed like that until the end. Returning to the rooms that morning when only me and Silvia left, I saw this amazing thing: on our grey block of flats, from balcony no. 24, a heart shaped red balloon was saying "love and peace, passangers!" Sergiu, you did my day and my year by hanging this balloon on our room balcony, so my many thanks for this.


 
So, here we are back in the train, me and Silvia, travelling the other way. Us and two Kamentiza. Together with our sincerity, some other travellers. Back in that dirty train over Danube river, leaving behind a part of our history. A lump in my throat. Though peaceful.



THE END. КРАЙ. EL FINAL. ΤΟ ΤΈΛΟΣ. HET EINDE. SFÂRȘIT...

 

vineri, 10 iulie 2015

Volunteer in Ruse (8)


The day of the carnival started with an unexpected Basarbovski pass by where we've been encountered with bread and natural honey to celebrate a new baptized child. The cold and sweet water from the fountain accomplished all the ritual and we revived ourselves. Up again, I took a big hug from my Andreea, some crumbly stones from the chalk walls and all the release I could. Healing, but not praying. On the way back we had a city view from the television tower hill. I let myself blown by wind while looking for the beauty of it. One short back laying while music was playing and we turned back to prepare ourselves for the parade.

We were all beautiful and happy at the carnival. Alladin, the Prophet, The Red Riding Hood, Robin, the witch, the pirate, the cowboy, Polish girls, Roman woman, Scottish girl and many others were dancing unleashed on the streets. Colored balloons, fanfare music, laughing, singing, running, dancing again and that was it: a colored and happy storm in a glass of water. I was already feeling the bitterness of the end, but I tried to keep it far away. We all met near the Liberty Square at the sunset and we continued our lasciviousness, dances, taking photos, madness, dizziness and desires. I left all of this at one point, but my absence got noticed. 




 





 


 




Entering the scene a drunk mad man keep bringing out the truth inside. A drunk mad man only in his underpants, eating fries and shouting about all that he felt in that angry moment. A drunk mad man transformed into a vulnerable one, wanted to be caressed. A drunk mad man telling a truth he won't remember, felling asleep like any.

24th... finally discovering Ruse in all its hidden corners. Just met Romanian Masca Theater here after I first recognized some photos of them taken by someone I know. I went to one of the actors looking like a sad clown, smoking a cigar deep in his thoughts to ask when the show will begin. He subtle covered his surprise. At 7 p.m. the living statues, at 9 p.m. Baroque Bizarres he said. Beautiful man! I was far in my mind while watching their street representation in the evening. The same when we went to have a cocktail at Aleksandar Batenberg Square. My Sex on the beach was very bad. All my memories from the previous weeks coming over and over were the best. How strange the ways you follow end in the same point sometimes! I left that terrace with stolen Coca Cola table message, Bulgarian colors straws and yellow flower. Hmm! The sunset was orange on 24th, the harmonica gentle touched my ears. I met the man with the guitar again. The same Nothing Else Matters. I respect him a lot and I have the feeling I know him from somewhere else. He seems so shy and powerful. Big lungs he has. Words are flying around me, but I am in my own world.


That morning I started with a good bye hug for Vincent, some gymnastic and hardly cleaning my apartment. Then escaped the streets. I think now I know all the shoe stores from this city, even the entire amount of stone jeweleries from a just found shop. I am mostly the opposite of a museum addicted, but I enjoyed the time spent in Eco-Museum and Aquarium. I can not tell why because all was dead inside from animals to objects, excepting fish, a snake, some turtles and us. Maybe because I found vinyls, radios, music instruments, photo cameras, glass bottles, sewing machines, cassette recorders, ships, TVs, old all of them. Or maybe because the mammoth smelt awful or because of the conserved bats and worms that were disgusting.

New streets, new old buildings, sun and heat, half of a Kamenitza and a not so pleasant coconut cake, sitting on a bench and watching Ruse lifestyle. Both of us went dizzy, but got encouraged. Talking about music, influential people in our lives, ex boyfriends, books, who we were before Ruse.


Wind of change was on radio in the SH we found a crazy jacket for none of us. Passenger into my room, passenger into my life, passenger into the other lives. Passenger into my favorite place here - BH Library (un)coffee place. Writing, listening, imagining, story telling, dreaming, watching, hugging, sleeping, relaxing, learning, all happened here. Wednesday 24th I was browsing Vincent van Gogh and Monet paintings albums, some Bulgarian historical battles cards, Klimt also. Fugitive report of last days.


23rd was about waking up for a 3 or more hours coffee break in front of our building. Sun bath, still wet grass, future books, Fornetti, University, empty hurting feet, still discovering the beautiful, recognizing the lady from the yesterday second shop. And about exercising swimming at Nord Pool or me turning into purple from the shirt I sat on. In the evening, I went out with Romanian girls for cradling, drinking bad wine and eating delicious pancakes with ice cream. Someone was waiting for us back home, so we passed by. I saw on a bench that lady I met in the park we cleaned two weeks ago. The same power in her look made me feel the desire to know her better.


22nd started with a walk on the Danube River shore. As we were only girls, I could swear that the man turning his head over and over was hunting for us. Nothing happened but a few unanswered calls. All the sand statues were damaged, but still looked great. We met a Bulgarian old man knowing some Romanian, which we found on the streets with tiny and doubtful houses. I am very enchanted by this dusty Ruse, with all his peeling walls. New York second hand turned me back to the colors I lost home, in my closet. Thank God I met my colors again because I brought here the simplest clothes I have (unspeakable me), the opposite of the colored I am in my daily life. You know, I am trying to change myself too much not to be judged by the others. Cruel mistake. Inside, I discovered such a beautiful lady with white hair, wearing a big white hat and trying on a lot of pink clothes. My fries from the lunch were... well... bad again, but I was already lost in my happiness. Back home I cooked something and I received the best I could: Vince and Silvia asked for the second plate. In the evening, we went again to Danube river. The light was drawing auras all around. The grass was flooded by golden last rays. A man sat near his bike in this magnificent sunset, reading a book. He was amazingly beautiful. We ran down the hill like children and I felt that happy in that moment that I started talking with Nature. Or God. Or Love. After this I rapidly ran empty inside and gone away from the others, from their jokes and presence. Back in the flat, we had a fight for ideas which made me feel so alive. And I heard from my room that nervous glass kicking!

21st was the rainiest day here. I spent my morning in the balcony with the boys. Talking, talking, talking. I didn't want all of this to end, but then two of them left. I felt so alone that day! We cooked some pasta and ate after, then watched videos, debating art and lost life, listening to music with translations, sharing culture. Outside it was still raining. Back in the girls room felt alone again, though we were a few doing whatever it takes to make it better. Nothing was in the right place from my point of view. When the evening came, we watched a movie and after had the best night walk. What a night with orange clouds, sexy black pants, telling secrets and listening to some fantastic great stories from the deep of a creative one. The park was silent and fresh, wet and mysterious, dark and lightened in the same time.